| How can I tell if my
friend has a problem with alcohol or other drugs?
What are some signs that may indicate
abuse or chemical dependency on the part of my
friend?
How do I sort out my confusion about
a friend's substance abuse problem?
How can I talk to my friend?
How can I help my friend?
What can I do if I live with or
am emotionally involved with someone who abuses
alcohol or other drugs?
What can I do if my friend is not
ready for help?
How can my friend's recovery process
affect our relationship?
What should I look for in a treatment
center?
Chemical dependency is a confusing disease. Contrary
to popular myth, your friend doesn't have to drink
or use drugs every day to be chemically dependent.
Someone with the disease may still have a good
job, home, and bank account and be a good spouse,
parent, or friend.
Different people react to alcohol and drugs in
different ways. One may get loud and funny while
another gets quieter than usual. Some are able
to drink and use drugs in large quantities and
act normally, while others experience acute personality
changes after even a small amount of alcohol or
drugs.
Remember, it's not how much your friend drinks
or uses drugs, but what the effect is. If your
friend is having problems related to alcohol or
other drugs, he or she needs help. And your friend
does not have to show all or even most of these
symptoms to be in trouble. Nor does your friend
have to be a daily drinker or drug user to need
help. Many alcoholics and addicts follow a pattern
of binges on weekends or several times a month.
If your friend shows these symptoms but doesn't
seem to drink or use very much, he or she may
be drinking or using in secret or may be "cross-addicted"
to both alcohol and prescription or illegal drugs.
You may see the drinking, but not the drug abuse.
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- Drinking or using drugs more than usual, even
if usage has increased slowly over the years
- Periodically "going on the wagon"
or switching from liquor to beer or from cocaine
to another drug
- Only going to parties or places where alcohol
or other drugs are available
- Personality change when under the influence
of alcohol or other drugs
- Driving after drinking or reacting angrily
when you ask for the car keys
- Sniffing constantly, having frequent colds,
or making many trips to the bathroom
- Calling late at night but doesn't remember
the conversation the next day
- Bragging about drinking and drug exploits
or, if you don't approve, is secretive or withdrawn
- Having trouble on the job or losing time from
work
- Having problems at home
- Spending more time with friends who drink
and less time with you
- Having a couple of drinks before you even
get together or not showing up on time or at
all
- Complaining about other people or stops seeing
certain friends
- Having money problems, borrowing money from
you, or running up a lot of charges on credit
cards
- Having legal problems
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When deciding whether to speak up to your friend,
you may have some reservations, such as the following:
"It's none of my business how much
my friend drinks or gets high. I wouldn't want
anyone telling me what to do."
Think about it this way: Suppose you were in
a restaurant and someone at a nearby table was
having a heart attack. If you knew CPR, you'd
perform it right away, wouldn't you? Or if you
didn't, you'd at least try to get help. You'd
do everything you could -- for a total stranger.
Addressing a friend's substance abuse is just
as critical. Thirty-five percent of all hospitalizations
are due to the abuse of alcohol and other drugs.
And chemical dependency is a leading cause of
death in America. So, when you talk to your
friend about drinking or drug use, you may be
literally saving his or her lives as well as
helping your friend get their life back together
again.
"I don't want to risk ruining our
friendship."
Most people feel this way and are surprised
to find out that the opposite happens. Often
people who abuse alcohol or drugs are secretly
hoping someone will talk to them honestly about
their problem.
In fact, in a nationwide survey of recovering
people, 69 percent said they got help because
a friend or relative was honest with them about
their drinking and other drug use.
Another 41 percent said they would have gotten
help sooner if family or friends had voiced
concern.
"My friend drinks a lot, but at least
there are no drugs."
Though legal, alcohol is a drug and, for someone
with the disease of chemical dependency, it
is just as devastating as illegal drugs. In
fact, many health officials believe it is the
most abused drug in America.
Also, for an alcoholic, it doesn't matter
if the drink of choice is "light"
beer, wine, or scotch; any alcohol will cause
trouble.
"How do I make sure I say the right
thing? I don't want my friend to get angry or
to feel hurt."
It's never easy to talk about something as
sensitive and personal as drinking or drug use.
And when you do, you'll probably put your friend
on the spot or cause hurt pride. Your friend
may even become angry.
But focus on the behavior and consequences,
not the person.
"I'm sure my friend's family would
say something if it were that bad. I'm only a
friend."
If your friend's drinking or drug use has gone
on for some time, family members may not have
noticed that it's gotten worse -- or they may
have learned to ignore it to protect themselves.
One of the tragedies of alcoholism and drug
abuse in the incredible adjustments family members
make to cope with this disease.
Also, your friend may be hiding drinking or
drug use from family members.
Or drinking or drug use may be an accepted
way of life in the family, so no one thinks
there is a problem.
As you can see, sometimes families are the least
able to offer help. As a friend, you may have
far greater impact -- especially since most people
prefer to confide in a friend when they have a
problem.
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- The best time to talk . . .
Don't try to talk when your friend is drunk
or high; it's too difficult to take in what
you're saying, and the situation could turn
out badly.
Don't worry if you don't say things perfectly.
The scenarios below are just guidelines. The
most important thing is that you express your
concern for your friend in a caring and honest
way.
- How to get the conversation started . .
.
Anytime you can talk to your friend when he
or she is clearheaded is fine. One approach
is to sit down the next day when your friend
is hung over and remorseful, or soon after,
while the drinking or drug-related incident
is fresh in your friend's mind. But if you can't
get to your friend right away, that's okay too
since you're not talking about an isolated incident
but one in a long pattern.
You might want to take someone with you who
understands your concern for your friend's problem,
perhaps someone with a connection to Alcoholics
Anonymous (AA) or a similar group. Or you could
tell someone what you're doing and have him
or her available by phone for support. It is
also a good idea to meet on neutral turf, but
not in a bar or anywhere alcohol is available.
- Keep in mind these key points . . .
No matter how "bad" your friend's
behavior has been lately, the person is not
bad. He or she may be suffering from a medically
proven disease that causes abnormal action,
including hurting the people closest to him
or her. So don't blame or criticize. You're
talking because you care about your friend's
life and health, not to make someone "get
their act together."
Be specific when you talk. Bring up incidents
such as "When you canceled our plans the
other day. . ." instead of "You never
keep your word."
Talk about the effect your friend's drinking
or drug use has on whatever he or she cares
about most: career, children, etc. Your friend
may not be concerned about his or her own situation,
but may care deeply for the children and what
the problem may be doing to them.
Everyone has different levels of friendship:
good friends, casual friends, and co-workers.
You might want to write down what you want to
say. Here are some "opening lines"
to help you approach each type of friend in
the most appropriate way. Of course, your friend
can respond in any number of ways besides the
few examples given. The main thing is to listen,
stick to the facts, show a caring attitude,
and offer to help.
- Helping a Good Friend
"You know, Barb, we've been friends for
a long time now, as close as sisters. And while
I don't want to interfere in your life I have
noticed that you're drinking and getting high
more lately and you don't seem to be getting
along with your family as much as you used to.
I'm worried about you. Let's talk about it."
If Barb says, "You know, you're right.
I have noticed that I've been drinking more
in the last couple of months. But I think it's
because I've been under more pressure than usual
at work and at home. It's probably just a phase.
I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon." You
can say, "I know it appears a drink or
two can take the edge off temporarily. But drinking
can't solve your problems and, from what you've
told me, they seem to be only getting worse
-- maybe because you're drinking more. A professional
assessment will help you find out if drinking
is the problem or if it's something else."
- Helping a Casual Friend
"Jim, I've always enjoyed playing cards
with you. But, after a couple of beers, I can
see a personality change, and there are arguments.
It's not like you. You usually get along with
everyone -- except when you're drinking. I'd
hate to see you lose your friends."
If Jim says, "Who are you to tell me I
drink too much? We all have a few when we play
cards. And the words I had with Al and Walt
were no big deal. I just got a little hot under
the collar." You can say, "Jim, I
don't count how many drinks you or anyone else
has. I've just noticed that at some point in
the evening, after you've been drinking awhile,
I see a more argumentative side of you. I don't
want to see you destroy your relationships with
people who care about you. So I thought I'd
mention it now because I'm your friend and I
want to help."
- Helping a Co-Worker
"Barb, you're one of the brightest people
I know. But recently, you've been missing a
lot of work and coming in late. And this week,
my report got held up because I didn't have
your input. You don't seem to be yourself. I
know you've been drinking [or using drugs] a
lot. If you're having a problem with alcohol,
drugs, or anything else, I'd be happy to help
you get the assistance you need. I'd hate to
see you lose your job."
If Barb says, "Hey, I know I've been a
little out of control recently, and I have been
partying more than usual, but don't worry. I'm
working on getting my act together." You
can say, "Well, I hope you do. But sometimes
it's hard to get your act together by yourself.
So, if you need any help, I just want you to
know that I'm here and I'll listen. I value
your friendship and will do anything I can."
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A drug addict usually does not know he or she
is out of control. He or she looks at drug-using
peers and views him or herself as normal in comparison.
You can help provide objective feedback to your
friend on his or her behavior.
Intervention is a process through which an addict
recognizes the extent of his or her problem. You
can play a vital role in this ongoing process
and help your friend overcome drug addiction.
Your encouragement and support will enable your
friend to seek and undergo professional help.
Through a non-judgmental, non-critical, systematic
process, your friend will be confronted with the
impact of his or her alcoholism or drug use on
others. The goal of intervention is for your friend
to accept the reality of his drug addiction and
to seek treatment.
Groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Cocaine
Anonymous (CA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) provide
continuing support for people with drug and alcohol
problems. These "fellowship" programs
exist in most communities and are free of charge.
The only requirements are a willingness to choose
total abstinence, and acceptance of recovery through
fellowship with other recovering people, one day
at a time. Fellowship groups are a valuable resource
for the addict, his family and friends. The telephone
numbers of local chapters of AA, CA, and NA are
in the phone book.
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You first need to take care of yourself. Living
day in and day out with someone close who has
a problem with alcohol or other drugs can be a
difficult, heartbreaking, or even dangerous experience.
Don't try to handle it alone. You can get the
support you need at Al-Anon Family Groups.
For information, call your local Al-Anon number
in the phone books. In addition, many treatment
centers and substance abuse professionals have
special programs for friends and family members.
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Don't be surprised. Denying that there is a problem
-- or that drinking or drug use is the cause of
it -- is one of the unfortunate symptoms of the
disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. So,
if you feel you're not getting through to your
friend, it's not your fault -- or your friend's
fault.
Don't take it personally.
The only thing you can do is back off and let
your friend know that when he or she is ready
for help, you'll be there. You could also give
your friend the phone number of a local A.A. group.
But don't despair. And, don't think you didn't
present your case. You have planted a seed of
recovery that may grow when you least expect it.
Stay in touch and know that there are ways to
show your concern. For example, if your friend
only wants to meet where he or she can drink,
suggest another place.
Don't offer alcohol when your friend visits.
Don't continue to lend money if that's an ongoing
problem. Don't accept late-night calls when your
friend is drunk or high.
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During the next couple of months as the recovery
process begins, your friend will be going through
a lot of changes.
Although your help may be appreciated, your friend
may be spending a lot of time at support group
meetings and making new friends who are also in
recovery.
This is a normal phase, but it can hurt to feel
as though you're losing a friend -- especially
one you went out of the way to help.
Usually though, over time, many recovering people
resume their former friendships -- and bring more
to them than ever before.
Whatever happens, you can feel good knowing that
you took the actions a good friend should take.
By talking honestly with your friend, you may
have saved a life and have definitely made it
worth living again.
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Look for program that has a comprehensive range
of services and includes a multidisciplinary staff
of chemical dependency counselors and medical,
psychiatric and social service professionals.
In addition, clergy, dietitians, and recreational
and occupational therapists make a significant
contribution to the healing process.
Also, look for a program that has a defined treatment
process that includes systematic assessment and
a detoxification component followed by distinct
treatment, discharge and aftercare plans. Ask
how the program is licensed.
Some key questions to ask would include: How
long has the program been in place? What is the
program philosophy? Does it incorporate principles
of Alcoholics Anonymous? Are patients treated
with dignity?
Source: National Inhalant Prevention Coalition
http://www.inhalents.org/ |
